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Did I matter?
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Who you want to be, or who you are told to be

After watching the season finale of Lanterns, the idea of nature and nurture, of your programming, and in essence your soul, who you want to be rather than who you're told to be, really struck a deep nerve. That idea has been something I've been stuck with since I was a kid, and it's manifested itself in many forms in my creative process.

And it goes even deeper, because this idea has now added a new meaning to things that have happened in my life, of which I just didn't understand the ramifications while they were happening. I just saw the emotion, especially as a kid.

Grade eight art

In grade eight, when I was taking art, we had to do something personal to us, and something stuck with me. Again, it's very hard for me to create something out of nothing, even as a kid. But I understood that the influences I'd seen in my life had an impact, or at least at that point had caused an emotion in me.

So: Walk This Way. Yes, it's from the song. Back then, I didn't know what it was about, but I had a reaction to the lyrics. It was, again, just a starting point.

It was a pastel drawing. I remember it being pretty bad compared to the rest of the class. But who knows? Maybe that artistic value has changed over time. I wrote the line from the song, and it was me, crouched in a corner. I think my intention was dismissing that idea. Yes, sure, copying and all that. But the significance of what I felt then has added a different understanding to where I am now.

The truest form of an emotion

Because you dismiss a child's emotions. They're just growing up, they're just acting out. But really it's the truest form of what an emotion is, before you're programmed and before you're influenced. There's definitely something there, I feel.

Fitting in

Living at the time in Singapore, a very structured society, a very safe society. But that came with the structure. You had to fit in. And then in school, not eating the same food as everyone else, not coming from the same culture as everyone else, you dismiss your own culture to try and fit in with the others.

So did I copy the lyrics of the song I heard? Or did I internalize that message, but wasn't able to make it my own at that point? Again, the starting point.

Judged on the end product

People say first impressions matter. That it's what's important. But our brains don't work like this language model. We can't analyze everything all at once, in the span of a few moments, or a few minutes, or a few hours, or a few days. And yes, we need structure. After all, this is all about the law of the city versus the law of the jungle.

I feel that being judged in the moment, and everything taken as if it is an end product, is maybe why I've become so defensive about criticism, or feedback. Because everything I'm doing is with intent. I guess it's that disconnection: I just feel that you're not seeing my intent. It's not like I put this here for a random reason, or it's this color for a random reason. Sure, there might be a better way to think about it and do it. But critical feedback has always felt like someone else is just dismissing my intent, or saying I didn't have it in the first place.

And I guess it comes down to: why do I keep defending it? Why is it inbuilt in me, or programmed into me, to always have to defend my own? Maybe it's because I know what it's like to have a lot, and then see that get less and less over time in life. To the point where all that's left is just you. The significance is that not everything is black or white.

I guess it's the lack of discussion. When I answer feedback, it's not that I'm being defensive. Why does it come off like I'm being defensive? It's just me saying, actually, this is done for this reason. And then: oh no, I don't like that. Oh no, you have to change it. I guess it's the auteurship that gets diminished, because it's only been based on the first impression.

Manifestation of ego

I guess that's why I never sold out. I couldn't keep creating something for another person if I wasn't able to fully apply my artistic expression. I couldn't break that cardinal sin I set for myself.

And maybe that's just my ego. The manifestation of my ego. Having been on the other side, having to work for someone and their vision, now I understand. I'm learning to build my vision by doing that. You have to do that when you're entering a trade or whatever. But really, I think that's just an old way of thinking. You need to just do it and then learn from the failures. You don't need to rely on someone to teach you. Because those influences you have in your life aren't you. They're there for you to internalize.

And yes, there's benefit to learning how to put up a camera, set up lighting, or anything in any industry, and what the company you're working for is about, what they do. But just as much as you're building context in this language model, all life really is, is building the context for yourself.

Did I matter?

And it really comes down to tying everything together. Did I matter? What am I leaving behind? Have I had an influence on someone else's life?

What I was feeling back then, you could read as me not trying to fit in, or being told to fit in. There are many ways I can read it now. But maybe what it was is: what is my connection to the world? I think that's the real through line here. I might not have been thinking about it then, because I didn't understand these concepts in eighth grade. But maybe that expression was an internalization of that idea. Will I matter if I'm only part of the crowd? Or if I'm not in the crowd, does that diminish my value?

Always a yes

Thinking of that through my life: I was a people pleaser. It was always a yes. It was never a no. Maybe that's a stem of my depression. Because maybe it's okay not to be part of the crowd. Maybe it's better not to be a sheep in the flock.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

And then it really ties into the next thing. No matter the life I've lived, I set an expectation for myself that I'm going to be this or that. Like when you get asked as a kid, what do you want to be when you grow up? How should a kid know what he wants to be when he grows up? Why are you limiting that experience for him? Why are you setting that expectation?

That came into always trying to be someone I wasn't, and living that life. It's like being the mirror reflection of your actual person, your actual self.

And if you keep living that way, over time, you become the reflection in the mirror. And then you're looking at a person who looks like you, but isn't quite the same.

Live life without expectations

The really profound thing is this. I might have felt this way in the eighth grade, but once your brain starts to form and you get introduced to new concepts and ideas, things sound cool. It plays back to understanding logic. You might not fully understand the logic behind it, but you can still believe it.

I was in boarding school in Hampshire, in England. It was Brockwood Park, founded by Jiddu Krishnamurti. It was an alternative way of educating, but still under the A levels and so on. I don't remember much of that time in terms of his teachings, but there's one core philosophy I've carried with me, even if I haven't lived up to it, and it has sparked this new journey of mine, 25 years later. Maybe I'm misremembering it, but my internalization was: live life without expectations.

For me back then, as a kid: oh, that sounds dope. Yeah, live life without expectations. I didn't understand the ramifications of those four words. I didn't live it, and probably still don't fully, but I'm trying now, because I understand it. It's a warning.

Because on the opposite side of that is what I ended up going through my whole adult life, at least that's how I internalize it. That depression. I set my expectations so far beyond what my influences in life were, to a level that set me up for failure.

When I talk about failing until you fail less, you can be failing for a very long time, continuously. On the micro, you might be making progress. But on the macro, if you're not reflecting on your life, seeing the cause and effect of your actions, and understanding that no matter what happened, it's okay. Because I'm reflecting on it now, it's not a meaningless part of life that just disperses into the ether. What I did then had an impact on what I'm doing now.

The cave of the mind

It brings me back to the allegory of the cave. And again, I'm talking about my internalization, not the specifics. But Plato was talking about, at the core, nature versus nurture. Are you the influences you see in the world? And if those influences are changed, without you knowing what the world really is, how much can you be influenced? In the allegory, it was people doing it to other people. But I think that's also what happens inside of you. It's a symbolism of the mind, I guess. I could read it like that. Because that's how I've felt about the depression I've lived with. It is the part of myself that has caged me inside the cave and warped my reality.

I guess this is why, when you learn about these things, it's boring, or you don't understand. It's because you don't have the life experiences to understand. I think it's only after you get those experiences that you start making those connections.

Will I have mattered to me?

So when I bring it back to: did I matter? What I really think about is not, did I matter to the world. I know I brought joy into this world, hopefully more than the destruction that has come in my wake. But really: will I have mattered to me at the end of my life? For a very long time, in a very dark place, that just wasn't going to be the case.

And that's why I now try to live life, and everything I do, without the expectation of something happening. I post something, someone reads it, cool. If they have a reaction, amazing. But I'm not searching for that validation. Because this is who I am, and this is what I'm doing.

In case you'd like to find out more about the things I've talked about

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